This week has been hard on me. What’s been even harder is deciding whether or not I wanted to talk about it publicly. Nothing catastrophic happened. I’m still alive and well, and so are my loved ones. No one is ill or physically hurt. Life is still moving forward every day. No, nothing catastrophic happened. It was just a hard week for me mentally, including feelings of anxiety regret.

I was afraid to talk about it, mostly because it made some anxious feeling stir inside of me when I thought about talking about it. I don’t know about you but when I talk about, or basically have to face, things/feelings that are hard for me, I want to shut down. And I feel regretful and ashamed. Not shamed, just ashamed.

What caused me to feel this way, you might be asking. Well, I’m just going to be downright blunt about it and let it all out. My wedding was last weekend, and it was the most beautiful, amazing, best day of my life so far. So why am I feeling regret, shame, or anxiety? Because the wedding night didn’t go so great. In fact, it didn’t go good at all.

I got wasted. So wasted that I don’t remember what happened between the hours of 9 pm to 1 am. To make matters worse, I acted belligerent. I yelled at some of my dearest loved ones, I ran away crying and not giving a damn about my own safety, and I still have no idea what happened to the leftover food and cake from that night. I did some pretty messed up stuff that night and I still feel pretty messed about it.

I’m going to be honest and say that I know for a fact that it happened due to some mental health issues that I’m still figuring out with my doctors. But, I also know how important (and realistic) it is to work through the feelings I’m dealing with after the fact. And this week, upon doing research as well as working through my own problem, I’ve learned the 3 basics it will take for me to not feel regretful, shameful, or even as anxious as I get.

Stop Trying To Rewind. It’s Life, Not A Movie.

The first place I went wrong was by allowing myself to think about the ‘what-ifs’ and the ‘if-onlys’. If only I had more control over myself to say no to drinks at a certain point in the night. What if I can try to fix the situation by doing x, y, z? If only I, what if I, blah, blah, blah. None of that is going to fix it! If anything, it’ll actually make matters worse.

If I spend all my time thinking about just the areas that went wrong that night, (which I’m sure people could tell me about quite a few of them) I’ll only see my entire wedding day as something that went wrong. But if I can change the feeling I have when I think back to the wedding, it will highlight the aspects that were important and be able to move past the ones that aren’t.

I can’t spend a single second trying to rewind and change a single thing because it just isn’t going to happen. This is real life, and real life has messy moments. Sure, no woman wants one of those moments to be on her big day, but there’s nothing I can do about that now. What happened, happened. I apologized for my behavior, I’m actively working on changing it, and I’m still 100% happily married. That’s what really matters.

You Can’t Control Everything. So Stop Trying To.

One of the hardest lessons that I’m coming to realize through this experience is that I have even less control than I originally thought I had. I have no control over how those that saw that wrath of my emotions perceive me now. I have no control over whether those that I hurt want to forgive me or not. These are things that I must accept in order to move past my feelings of regret and shame.

Is it easy? No! The complete opposite if I’m being honest. But it’s the only thing I really do have control over. I also have control over how I will go about things moving forward. My attitude, my vices, and my mental health like I talked about earlier. I’m working (and have been for a few years!) on my mental health and how to be more in control. From talking to a therapist for a little over 2 years now to talking with my primary care provider about other steps I can be taking to address my issues.

I’m working on my vice of drinking because, as sad as it is for me to admit this, that wasn’t the first time an episode like that has happened. I don’t drink on a daily basis, and I usually have my drinking under control in ‘normal’ circumstances, yet times like this still happen. And I’m working on my attitude of being more positive and accepting of the things that happen to me instead of letting myself become bothered by them.

It Is What It Is. Accept It And Move On.

One of the most impactful quotes I’ve ever heard is the one that says, “Life goes on…with or without you.” It really hit home for me. It made me realize that even if I want or choose to put my life on pause, life itself doesn’t stop or slow down. Bills are still due, relationships still require effort, and we still need to show up not only for others but for ourselves.

One of the hardest but most important things I’ve needed to learn is to move on. To accept things for what they are and focus on where I can go from here. And something someone told me recently has helped a lot. Happiness grows in direct proportion to acceptance and sometimes we hurt ourselves the most by having expectations.

Now I’m not saying to never set expectations, that would be unrealistic. I’m just saying that in the day in age we live in where everything is displayed to us on feeds and ads reminding us to reach that level of ‘perfect’ is actually completely unrealistic. Set expectations for yourself that you know you can stick to like be a good wife/husband, mom/dad, sister/brother, friend, and person. Other than that, it is what it is!

Better Everyday.

I think the biggest lesson I’ve taken away from this experience is to not treat negative situations like the end of the world. It definitely felt like it for the first few days, don’t get me wrong! But I’ve had the time to absorb everything and I choose to learn my lesson and move on instead of letting the feeling of regret or shame get the best of me. It is important to reflect though. To think about not what could’ve gone better last time, but about what can go better next time around.

Obviously I won’t get a next time around when it comes to my wedding day. But I know there will be occasions close to it that will test my strength again. I choose to live in the present rather than the past. I choose to only focus on what I can control. And I choose to accept the bad with the good because life doesn’t exist any other way. What about you? Have you ever had a hard time moving on from certain feelings? What got you through it? Please share in the comments below – you never know, you could be the one to help change someone’s life! (Including mine!)

If you’re looking for more reasons to stop the negative behavior you continue to use on yourself, check out ETM’s blog here. As always, thank you so very much for being a part of ETM’s community of Mommas! I encourage you to join discussions, interact with Mommas alike, and be unapologetically yourself! Until next time, I hope I’m able to help make your life as simple as could be. (:

With all my love, Brandolyn – Earth To Momma