Every year, December is a bit of an emotional month for me. With my dad’s birthday on the 20th (Happy Birthday Dad❤️) and the holidays shortly after, it can get hard sometimes. This is the 4th birthday I’ve spent without my father, and he hasn’t even been gone for 4 whole years yet. I miss him terribly, and people’s lives have a little less light without him in it.

So each year, I’m left to face the stages of grief that come as the result of a loss. From denial and anger, to bargaining and depression. Even acceptance, it’s a whirlwind to deal with. But each year I know it’s coming so I’m able to be prepared for it and know that its coming and going is just as much a part of life as he was. I don’t know about it getting any easier, but it gets more bearable.

The Lowdown

The unfortunate part is that everyone must deal with the stages of grief at some point in their lives. Perhaps even multiple points. And there’s nothing we can say or do to change it, as much as we’d like for and hope to. And I’m not here to explain the 5 stages of grief to you. I’m not here to tell you which stage you should be in at what time. I won’t even tell you that you that it’s something you should or need to do.

I’m here to let you know that it’s okay if you’re confused or lost. It’s okay to feel one stage much longer than others, or even go back and forth between stages. And it’s okay if grief is ultimately something that sticks with you long-term. (Press pause on that one and we’ll circle back to it.) There’s no right or wrong way to handle grief, and everyone experiences it differently. But there is one thing I can tell you with confidence.

How To Handle It

I can tell you that how you should handle grief is, well, in your own way. Whatever that looks like to you. Build something in a loved ones honor. Let yourself be in your emotions unhinged and without any hangups. Cry it out. And these are only a few ways. It’s by no means an exhaustive list. But how you handle it is up to you and up to you alone.

Celebrate or participate in a loved ones favorite tradition. Drag out photo albums and reminisce on memories. Spend time doing activities that remind you of them. Again, these are only a few ways and by far not all the ways you can handle grief. As long as I can convey to you that no matter what, grieving in your own way is the best way.

Don’t Let Go Of Grief

It might seem a bit counterintuitive, but don’t go through the grieving process with the intent to let go of the grief. Even though one of the stages of grief is acceptance, that doesn’t mean you have to cut that person from your life’s narrative. They would’ve still been in it anyway, had fate not worked out the way it did. So learn to go through the stages of grief, but don’t let go of it.

You see, I don’t remember where I saw it, but someone had told their story about losing a loved one and experiencing the stages of grief. And what they said resonated so deep within me. It was something along the lines of:

Don’t let go of grief. Grief is there to remind you of a loved one in a different way than you might think. You see, when we’re grieving the loss of a loved one, we’re also experiencing the love we had for that loved one that can’t be expressed anymore. So hold onto the grief, but only as a reminder. A reminder to the love you still have for that loved one no matter how much time passes without them.

Grief Is Love Unexpressed

I couldn’t agree more. Especially when looking back, the times I experience grief the most is during a happy moment. Decorating for the holidays, accomplishing a feat, and celebrating milestones. These aren’t sad moments. They’re actually joyful ones that feel sad because I can’t experience the joy with my loved one. But my love for them is just as much there now, and always will be.

The grief is there to serve as a reminder that my love for them is still very much alive. So I don’t move through the stages in hopes to ‘move on’. I move through the stages to allow myself to experience this part of life with my loved one in the way that I can. And there’s nothing wrong with that for me or anyone else! Just don’t allow yourself to get caught up in one stage for too long. Remember the process for what it is (helpful), and allow yourself to love (because that’s all grieving really is).

Related: Feeling Broken?

As always, thank you so very much for being a part of ETM’s community! I encourage you to join discussions, interact with Mommas and others alike, and be unapologetically yourself! Until next time, I hope I’m able to help make your life as simple as could be. (:

With all my love, Brandolyn – Earth To Momma