I want to start by first saying that if this title looks at all familiar to you, it’s because it’s very close to the title of a book. And if you’ve ever read, The Subtle Art Of Not Giving A F*** you might have a subtle understanding to why I wanted to write this blog. (Yes, pun intended.) I call it the ‘subtle art’ because that’s what I feel it is. Art. It’s this delicate balance of being yourself while someone else is learning to embrace what that is and vice versa.

Communication – ‘the successful conveying or sharing of ideas and feelings’. It applies to relationships of all kinds, from the one you have with yourself (yes, that is a thing) to the one you have with your best friend, your partner, or your parents. And communicating with someone can often be difficult. There are feelings involved on both sides to be sensitive of, there is sometimes hard moments or circumstances of the past to overcome, etc.

So the reason I’m writing this blog is because I know I can’t be the only one who has experienced some difficulty communicating. But communication is so important to keep any relation going, and I’m hoping the the lessons I’ve learned so far will be able to maybe help others get through the same sort of problems that I’ve faced. I’m not saying it will all be easy, but it will be worth it. Like I said, there’s a sort of art to it. Over time, your muscle memory will start to strengthen and it will become easier, and if not, more natural at least.

Me, Myself, & I

When I said a relationship with yourself is a thing, I meant it. And if you don’t have a good relationship with yourself, it’s not that it won’t necessarily be a problem, buuut it’ll be a problem. Now let me explain. If you don’t have the confidence in yourself and your abilities, you might be sad, insecure, or constantly feeling less worthy than you are. Of course you might be one of countless other things as well, but this is what I tended to feel most when my confidence was way less than what it is now.

When I was feeling sad, insecure, or less than, it affected a lot of other things. My appetite, my desire to do things, and my other relationships among other things. So what did I do? I made the time to do some reflection. And this happened over many years! It is not an overnight thing. I started asking myself what it is that I’m not happy with about myself? What is it that is making me feel these feelings? And that was the first step to improving my relationship with myself!

When I took the time to figure out what made me sad, what made me insecure, what made me feel less than was all temporary, I was able to figure out how to move past those feelings quicker rather than stay numbed by them for longer. I was able to start learning how to tell myself the certain negative things I would tell myself weren’t true. Just because I made this mistake that one time doesn’t mean I suck. Just because I reacted by losing my cool doesn’t mean I’m bipolar. It means I’m learning. I am a good person.

BFFLB

For those who don’t know – Best Friends For Life Bit**. And the reason I’m using that term is because to have a best friend for life, learning communication is key! (Sometimes communication can actually be the thing that ends a relationship, but I’ll get into that in a minute.) Think about your best friend. Can you tell them anything? Like, anything? Without having to filter yourself, your opinions, your interests, etc.? That’s a BFFLB.

Learning communication is important in friendships because it allows you to be yourself and find those that accept you for who you are. It’s important because without finding those people it’s easy to become lonely. And when we become lonely, we tend to let the voice in our head get the better of us. I am beyond grateful that I have a friend that I can tell my problems to as well as my accomplishments! And I only have her because we both feel free and safe to communicate and express ourselves.

Now think about any of your previous friendships in life that might’ve at the time felt like forever friendships. Did you ever feel like you had to filter yourself in front of that person? I have. I had a best friend for 10 years that I thought was my BFFLB. And there were times where I couldn’t tell her how I felt or if she was doing something that was bothering me. So it took me learning how to communicate to let her know that I felt that the friendship could sometimes be one-sided. She hasn’t talked to me since.

You And Me Baby

Not like as in you and me, but as in partnerships. Not a single partnership out there would exist without communication. Communicating likes and interests as well as dislikes and no-no’s. Communicating what makes us happy and what bothers us. This one probably has the most delicate and intricate balance in the art, mostly because this is the person who we choose to spend life with. It takes a lot more learning how to communicate better with our partners than with anyone else.

This will involve hard communication. Hard because it involves talking about kids and career choices among other things. But also hard because it involves talking about vulnerable things like what makes us feel sad and scared and hurt. And if we can’t learn to communicate openly and honestly all the time, that’s when problems arise in relationships. (I know it sometimes has to do with things out of the scope of communication like addiction, abuse, etc. Unfortunately, I can’t help figure those problems out.)

But when we can learn to communicate these hard things with our partners, that’s when we’ll find the person who truly values us. Yes, we may get hurt here and there along the way, but we’ll also learn with each one what we like and don’t like, what we appreciate and don’t. It takes becoming vulnerable and allowing ourselves to fully be ourselves to be in a happy and long-lasting relationship. It takes a lot of setting aside time to talk about the issues, big and small.

Subtle, Not So Subtle

The other reason communication is such a delicate balance and an art is because there are times when communication is subtle. But we can’t expect the people in our lives to fully understand us or our complexities without using non-subtle ways to communicate too. So, in my opinion, it all sums up to this: be you, be vulnerable, be willing to discuss the hard things. That’s all communication really is, just a matter of practicing it until you get the hang of it without it feeling like hard work.

What do you think? Do you have a way that’s helped you learn how to communicate better? If so, please share in the comments! You never know, you could be the one who helps improve someone’s relationships, and overall, life! And if you’re looking for an explanation to why friendship is so important and necessary for us, check out ETM’s blog here.

As always, thank you so very much for being a part of ETM’s community! I encourage you to join discussions, interact with Mommas and others alike, and be unapologetically yourself! Until next time, I hope I’m able to help make your life as simple as could be. (:

With all my love, Brandolyn – Earth To Momma