Hi again. Long time, I know. I’ve been dealing with an extremely trying time in my life… Some of you may know from social media, but we just lost our second baby due to a miscarriage. Today, I want to share my story. It’s hard to even begin to know where to start, but thankfully, some amazing women in my life have helped pave the way for me to do this.
So I’m going to do my best to share with you the events that unfolded for me over the past weeks. I’m truly sorry if it tugs a string for anyone, but what I’m hoping will happen is that one other person out there might read this and feel less alone in life. Less broken. That they might read this and know that it’s not their fault, despite what emotions can make us tell ourselves.
And remember, not every person’s story is the same. For some who experience the exact same circumstances I did, things can go on to work out just fine. This is just what happened to me. And I’m not alone. But neither are you if you’re going through or have ever gone through something similar, and that’s the only reason I want to share. So, here goes nothing.
Where It Started
My husband and I tried for 10 unsuccessful months to conceive. And when I tell you that when I faced even that hurdle, I was not expecting to get as emotionally distraught as I did. But I sure did. I had periods where I wondered if I was even fertile, if I was meant to be a Momma. I mean, you would think that if people can get pregnant on accident, it should work no problem when it’s on purpose.
But, that’s just not how life works. Things work out when they’re meant to work out. And for me, that was on month 11. Which was good news, because when a women gets pregnant within a 12-month period, fertility is not considered an issue. I went to the doctor and got it confirmed at 6 weeks-I was elated! I was over the moon, above and beyond, crazy ecstatic! This is my lifelong dream, and it’s finally coming true.
The First Scare
At 7 weeks, I woke up in the middle of the night feeling like I was peeing my pants. Uh oh. I rushed to the bathroom, and as soon as I sat on the toilet, more blood came pouring out. I started balling my eyes out thinking the worst and my husband just sat there with me comforting me. It eventually slowed and we decided to look. No clots, no major signs of a miscarriage besides the blood. So we went back to bed and I woke up at my normal time in the morning. As soon as I sat on the toilet, same thing…
I went to Urgent Care at my doctor’s office and they told me they couldn’t help me. Off to the ER I went. My husband met me there and we spent 4 grueling hours not knowing. It wasn’t until I had an ultrasound that the technician said that she wasn’t supposed to say anything but to look at the screen. A sign of life-My baby was still there! Heartbeat and everything! From there, I met with the doctor who told me that I had a sub chorionic hematoma and was diagnosed with a threatened miscarriage. A 50/50 chance. So onto bedrest I went.
*A sub chorionic hematoma is a hemorrhage, or bleeding under one of the membranes that surrounds the embryo inside the uterus.
What’s Within My Control
I spent 2 weeks on bedrest until I was able to meet with my OB, for the first time. I wasn’t able to meet with any other clinic due to my condition, so wait it out was my only choice. During that 2 weeks, my pregnancy symptoms continued to evolve and the bleeding had stopped. Positive news! I thought nothing but positive thoughts and even listened to a healing frequency sound every day. When my husband and I finally went in to our first appointment, the OB got called away for an emergency delivery. Our only option was to sit there and wait for her to return because if we left we wouldn’t be able to see her for 3 more weeks…
We thought if we could wait 2 weeks to see her, what could a few more hours hurt? There are only so many things that we have control over in life whether we’d like to admit it or not. When we finally were able to meet her for the first time, she performed an ultrasound and baby was still there! Heartbeat and everything-A huge sigh of relief from both me and my husband! The only thing is I was told I had a tilted uterus which made it hard for them to see, as well as ovarian cysts (the cause of my pain down there from time to time). All news to me! Regardless, they sent me on my way and told me to schedule for genetic testing the following week (week 10).
Where It All Fell Apart
One week later. 6 days to be exact. I woke up in the middle of the night with the same strange peeing sensation. Oh no! I rushed to the bathroom, and again, when I sat on the toilet, blood came pouring out. Oh no. Oh no. I started balling again. My husband just sat there with me again, not knowing what to say. We decided immediately to go to the ER this time. And this time, we waited 5 hours in the grueling unknown… When I got my ultrasound (from the same technician), she just wrapped up by saying that the doctor would review it and discuss it with me. No ‘Look at the screen’. I didn’t get to see the baby, heartbeat, or any sign of life. My fist sign that something was wrong…
We then got put in a room to wait for another hour before the doctor could talk to us. It went on for what seemed like forever. I kept telling myself, ‘It’s just the hematoma, it’s just the hematoma’. The doctor comes in, closes the door, and says, ‘We need to chat’. I’m not kidding when I tell you that I literally collapsed on the bed. I absolutely lost it. No more baby. Again… But I wasn’t bleeding enough to consider it a natural miscarriage-A missed miscarriage. Again… It was either a D&C or Misoprostol and the doctor recommended the latter.
The Thick Of It
My first miscarriage, although a missed miscarriage too, ended up in me getting scheduled for a D&C. Luckily?-I guess that’s what you would call it-my body naturally miscarried before my scheduled procedure. This time around, it was a new experience. The medication causes a ‘spontaneous abortion’, which at 10 weeks along, is excruciatingly painful. It felt like I was giving birth for a full 3 days. The absolute worst part of it though, was what passed through me. I’ll spare you the gory details, but I will tell you that it crushed me.
And here I am, 3.5 weeks later, still on and off spotting. Physically, I’m okay. No cramping, and the occasional cramps are mild compared to what they’ve been. No period yet, although I’m dreading when that does finally happen, and my OB says my HCG levels were still higher than what she would like them to be. Mentally, I’m better than I was. I don’t know if it’s ever something to ‘get over’, but it’s something I’m learning to work through. I’ve talked with my support system, which is growing every day too.
Related: Resources To Navigate Family Planning
And I’ve developed the courage to talk about my story, my life publicly. It’s not easy by any means. But it’s something that not only helps me, but hopefully helps others as well. I still consider myself to be a Momma, and I know that when I finally do hold my Little One in my arms, it will be that much more special. Most importantly, if there’s just one thing you take away from the article, let it be this: If you are or have experienced pregnancy complications of ANY sort, you are not broken. This is not your fault.
You didn’t do anything to cause this and there’s nothing you could’ve done to prevent, stop, or deter this from happening. And please, don’t give up. I personally haven’t lost hope in becoming a Momma. I know I’ll have a child of my own someday, and it will make everything that I’ve been through on my motherhood journey so far worth it in the end. And in the meantime, I’m here for you. Thank you for being here for me.
With all my love, Brandolyn – Earth To Momma
